Radio Deserves a Slow, Embarrassing Death

Kenny Chesney: a penis with higher brain function

Earthlings:

We don't need to dance around the facts here, we are all too aware of them: popular music today is awful. And not just the stereotypical, every young generation complains about popular music kind of awful, but straight up ear rape awful. All one has to do is turn on the radio for a few mintues, or turn on MTV for an hour or so, or watch the Grammy's to get numerous examples of the kind of douchebags we allow to make and sell "music." Each genre has its retard. Country music: Rascall Flatts and Kenny Chesney tie for who I would like to see beaten to death more. Rock: Nickelback deserves to spend the rest of their lives in a gulag for the kinds of songs they've come out with ("You look so much cuter with something in you mouth"- actual lyric). Rap: well... I hesitate to pick out anyone in particular to threaten for fear of appearing racist. Pop/Techno: not that I actually give a shit about this music that you hear when groups of adolescent white girls get together to drink, but three particular artists deserve mention. Lady Gaga and Kesha. Lady Gaga does have catchy melodies, but her lyrics (if they include words) make about as much sense as my religious sermons after a few tabs of acid. But you get the point. And I'll be honest, she dresses too flamboyant for the costume director of Blade Runner. Taylor Swift: I don't have that much of a problem with her music, but when she gets some nicer tits I will be inclined to care more. And finally Kesha. Who knew making songs about being a drunk cunt would get you famous? I've got a few ex's who should get into the biz! Honestly, if you were to see the girl who did all the things that Kesha claims to do in her song "Tik Tok" you would probably point and laugh at her from across the bar as she stumbled around screaming at everyone about how pretty she was, broke a heel trying to dance seductively but ended up looking like she was being tasered, threw up in her purse, and then passed out on the bar with a nip showing, which you would subsequently get a picture of on your iPhone and save for blackmail/masturbatory purposes. And by the way, how does taking the letter "c" out of the words tick tock make it in any way more artistic or cool? Bottom line, popular music today is filled with hand humping morons and drunk chicks with daddy issues and sexual addictions. Both of those categories serve their purposes in the world, especially the latter for me, but in no way shape or form should their rantings be recorded and then sold to the public as art. And why the fuck is Britney Spears still making music? I think that after you have shaved your head and flashed your genitals in public more than twice you should be subjected to electroshock therapy and kept sedated for the remainder of your life.

Kesha: "Yuu dont wanna make out wif mee?? Well fuck youuu myster!" as she throws up in her hands.

Luckily there is hope.

Surprisingly, the state of Kentucky has offered three promising artists in the rock and rap genres. Nappy Roots is a rap group from Bowling Green, Kentucky that make delightful beats and rhymes about growing up poor in the country that all can relate to. My personal favorite song is "Ballin' on a Budget" but they have many others. In rock, My Morning Jacket of Louisville is a master of the alternative sound and should be followed closely. Also from Bowling Green is the band Cage the Elephant ("Ain't No Rest for the Wicked") who have a harder, but inspired groove. I highly recommend all 3. In country music, the revolution has begun and it is led by the son of legendary Waylon Jennings. His name is Shooter Jennings, and his first three albums (Put the O' Back in Country, Electric Rodeo, and the Wolf) are destined to become classics. But his latest album, Black Ribbons, simply brings a tear to the eye of any human. It's an incredible blending of country/psychadelic-rock/ and even some hip-hop inspired beats. It's the future and it's sexy. Also if you don't know about the Black Keys or the White Stripes, the two Jesus Christs of Blues music, I pity your backward ways. If it was not for his last album, I would include John Mayer in this group. I know it sounds gay, but the guy can really play blues guitar and he has the potential to be incredible. But someone really needs to kick him in the nuts and take away his twitter acount. Honestly, how could you break up with Jennifer Aniston? The majority of my life has been spent in pursuit of the missing link... between my penis and her vagina.

Human history will always be filled with musical antichrists (see: Jimmy Buffet/drunk white trash) but today seems darker than most times. It's time for us to take back our ears' right to drive in the car or go out to a party and not have the likes of Kesha and Kenny Chesney putting their music inside them without their permission. Because the last thing I need in my life is more alcoholic nymphomaniacs and wanna-be cowboys that got made fun as children. I handle both of those categories just fine by myself.