Colonel Sanders: Destroyer of Dreams

You can tell exactly what he's thinking: "I need some goddamn chicken...." Haven't we all been there though?

After waking up today with a terrible terrible whiskey hangover, complete with crudely drawn penis on my left hand and the phrase "suck it" on my right, I decided to go to KFC for lunch, and was subsequently bet that I couldn't eat their new Double Down sandwich (I won). For those of you who haven't heard of this soon to be mythic piece of American culture, it is quite possibly the most unhealthy sandwich this side of Uranus, consisting of two pieces of chicken breast serving as the buns surrounding several pieces of greasy bacon, slices of processed cheese, and some sort of yellow sauce that just reeks of carcinogens. About halfway through this monster, staring at the group of hispanics who were the only other people sad enough to be seen at KFC in broad daylight, I found myself questioning a lot about my life, choices I've made along the way, the culture I live in, my personal health, etc. I mean, honestly, this "sandwich" which is specifically designed to slowly murder whoever eats it, had to go through multiple levels of research and development, upper level approval, marketing strategy meetings to make it to the streets. Who was the first executive at KFC to hear this idea and go "Fucking genius! Make a sandwich out of pure meat! Get right on that, the American people need to experience this!" Somehow Colonel Sanders is reaching out from beyond the grave to make people ashamed of taking their shirts off (number 1 reason your pool party invitations are declined. That and the fact that they secretly resent you). But in reality, it's not the executives at KFC that are to blame, it's all the fat lazy morons, like me, who see this being advertised and think, "Hell yes, that is a grand idea". It's like blaming the drug dealers for the crystal meth problem: the real problem is the mongrel who likes inhaling battery acid.

Michelle Obama, talk about jungle fever, has launched a campaign as first lady to combat childhood obesity in our country by getting kids to eat healthier and exercise more. Fat chance (if you laugh at that joke please go away). First of all, when has anyone ever given a shit about what the first lady does or says? She says nice things that everyone agrees with and then poses with athletic little assholes in a show of support. So what? Saying you want to make people skinnier looking is like supporting the campaign to stop rape. Who is going to disagree with you? Also, when is that ever going to work? The battle against fat kids has been going on for centuries, and to no avail, fat people show up throughout history wherever you look. Henry the VIII, bloated piece of shit who ate too much mutton. President Taft, he didn't do much politically but I'm fairly certain he invented the cheeseburger. Gordon Brown, too much fish and chips. No matter how hard you try to eradicate it, there will always be that one kid in the class who is just a bit too uncoordinated to be good at ball sports, will inevitably have his self-confidence crushed by his peers, and will turn to cartoons and eating to cope with his developing rage problems. Eating your feelings has been around since eating and feelings were invented. The earliest humanoid women would eat an extra helping of mastadon when their mate was out looking for other mates, which would inevitably make her feel less pretty and then she would eat more mastadon, the beginning of a terrible cycle. No person in the history of people has ever been content to eat just fruit, staying trim and sexy. A form of excess sugar and lard will always squeeze its way in there (ye olde twinkie). So as I sit here through a terrible bout of the meat sweats, having just completed one of the single fattest acts known to man, I say to Michelle Obama that her plan will fail. In her effort to end childhood obesity, she will be coming up against the likes of me, who once ate the Taco Bell grande meal (10 tacos) in one sitting to earn 2 dollars (I was weeping by the 9th) and who rarely enjoys physical activity. But more importantly, she will have to combat an old white racist man from the state of Kentucky who has been dead for more than 30 years. We can hear you laughing and breathing heavily from the grave Colonel, you fat fuck.